Amazing! According to my testosterone counter, I’ve been on T for 23 months, 4 weeks and 1 day. In other words… 2 years! I’m not really sure if I’m supposed to celebrate today, when I injected for the 53rd time, and on a Wednesday just like my first shot, OR if I should celebrate on April 2, the date of my first shot. Will the Manniversary Gods frown on me if I celebrate both?? Or even better, the whole 3-day block? 😉
So much has gone down in the past two years! I’m proud of myself, for figuring out what was going on, for having the courage to do something about it, and for finding the drive to make it happen. I don’t ever want to forget these past two years because I want to be able to continue tapping into the energy I summoned for this. If I can do this, I can do anything.
I’m very happy with the physical changes T has brought about. I’m thrilled with my beard, light as it is, and rest easy knowing that it’s consistently filling in. I’m also happy with the facial and body shape changes, though I acknowledge that I still have a ways to go in terms of my muscle gain goals. I have the T, I have to do the work. I like the sound of my lower voice, and I love the sound of my new laugh. Some of that is T, some of that is the sound of… freedom. My singing voice is coming along. The biggest barrier is my mind, not my larynx. I’m standing in a different place on the stage. As my sense of identity gathers strength and confidence, so too will my singing. It’s like getting familiar with a new pair of shoes.
In terms of emotional changes from two years on testosterone, I feel calmer, more steady and much less confused by emotions. When things got heated pre-T, I always felt bombarded by emotions—feelings that didn’t seem to belong to me. Now I can name and compartmentalize these emotions, and understand why I feel them. In identifying them, I can also walk away from them more easily. Things that used to really bother me are now just a fleeting annoyance.
Despite all this, I still experience dysphoria, particularly when I look at my naked body in a full length mirror. I feel fine until I get below the belt. Then there’s a disconnect. Mentally, there’s a part of me that likes not having bulky male genitalia. (In some ways, I think women got a better design in this department.) But seeing female genitalia, changed as it is, is still all wrong. And bathrooms continue to cause me considerable anxiety. I’m not in the financial position to afford a metoidioplasty right now, so I just have to take this one day at a time. Who knows? Maybe these feelings will change.
Something I was worried about before starting my transition was how all the changes would affect my friendships. What I didn’t expect was how my perspective about those friendships would change. My friends pre-transition were about 99% straight. While reception of my transition news was overwhelmingly positive, some of my friends still seemed a little awkward around me after that. Then I started feeling awkward in those relationships, to the point where I stopped engaging in them. I’m just now slowly getting back into those circles. I guess it’s just that during these intense times of change I’ve felt more aligned with my new queer and trans friends. It’s not too surprising really.
Lastly, my hair. It’s a little crazy, I know. Someone told me today it was “out of controooohhhl!” and she’s right. My stylist is probably missing me, but at least I can clearly prove to him that I haven’t been seeing anyone else! A couple of nights ago, I came very close to shaving it all off. I’m starting to get scalp pain again. I used to get this when my hair was long because it was so heavy. It’s not so heavy now so I don’t know why it hurts, but it’s better today. Anyway, I trimmed my beard instead and realized how cool it was that I now have new options when I get in that mood!
Wow, two years. Here’s what two years of T looks like at a glance.