Testosterone self-assessment, part 1: Future-self image
Do you have a clear mental picture of what you want life to be like after you start hormones? How do you think you might feel if the results don’t match that mental picture?
I’m not certain that the vision I have of my future-self on hormones is really that different from who I am now. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately: I know that some of my friends worry that they’re going to lose the friend they knew, and I’m really hoping this won’t be the case. I’m not doing this to change my personality (although I do like the idea of increased confidence as a result of feeling more “like me.”) I’m doing it to feel more comfortable, both in my own skin and with how I am perceived in the world around me.
I recognize that there are definitely things about me that will change: outwardly I’ll appear more masculine, most notably. How will this change my life? I’ll pass as male (hopefully) and will therefore be treated differently (ie. won’t have the door held for me, women will trust me less, etc.) Since I’ve accepted myself as a transman, this doesn’t cause me concern (though it would be a weird feeling to see a single woman cross a dark street at night to keep her distance from little old me!)
Perhaps one of the reasons why I’m having some difficulty answering this question (in the way that I think it’s meant to be answered) is because my life isn’t really that normal, in the sense that I live a pretty reclusive lifestyle and won’t have to deal so much with some of the more typical daily concerns of a person in transition, such as the workplace, city life, and regular personal interactions. The truth is, I really don’t see very many people in the flesh too often.
I don’t want my life to change drastically, but I do want the physical changes that come with testosterone therapy, the masculinizing effects of T.
I do hope it “takes” in my body: I don’t want to wind up looking like a bearded lady! I’m not a strapping lad by any means: about 5’5″, 113 lbs, small bones, small hands. I can only hope that physical changes such as changed fat distribution, increased muscle mass, facial hair, deepening of the voice, etc. will be “convincing.” I suppose there’s the chance that I’ll wind up looking more androgynous than male, and that would cause me some disappointment. After going through a medical transition, I’d like to think that I’ll have earned the right to “pass”, but I don’t have any control over this. This is the risky part.
How did I do on this question?
Pending any medical problems I am unaware of, the choice to proceed with testosterone therapy is entirely in my hands. I’m pretty certain this is going to be one of, if not the biggest, decision of my life. In this Testosterone Self-Assessment blog post series, I’m asking myself a number of big questions about hormone therapy in an effort to arrive at a final decision with surety. I want to be able to look back and know that I made my choice with a clear mind and with right intention.