Testosterone self-assessment blog post series
I obtained my letter of readiness for top surgery this week and noticed that the recommendation at the end of it not only supports my decision to have a bilateral mastectomy and male chest reconstruction, but also suggests that if my need to be socially identified as male is strong, that testosterone therapy would be a recommended course of action. I assumed that an entirely different assessment and set of appointments would need to be carried out to get that recommendation, but the title of the letter is right there staring back at me: “Surgery and Hormone Assessment Report.” It’s like I just got told to “pass go and collect $200!” I’m feeling: happiness and freedom.
With freedom however, comes the weight of responsibility. In some ways, I’ve been looking for an external force to decide that the choices I am making are right for me. It would be great if there was a blood test that would tell me, “Yes, you’re a transman who needs hormone therapy.” How am I to know if this is really right for me? I do not like the concept of regret. I like to make decisions with as much knowledge as possible, and forge forward and not look back. But this is the biggest decision I have ever had to make and now, barring any physical complications I am unaware of, it’s entirely in my hands.
So, I ask again: how am I to know whether or not I should go forward with T? I am the only one who has the answer, the only one who possesses the key… to me.
I’m going to put myself through some self-therapy. I’m going to ask some big questions, and I’m going to answer those questions in a blog post series, right here. One or two questions per post. Baby steps. It’s the journey not the destination, right?
Testosterone self-assessment, part 1: Future-self image
Do you have a clear mental picture of what you want life to be like after you start hormones? How do you think you might feel if the results don’t match that mental picture?
Testosterone self-assessment, part 2: Fixing me
Are you hoping hormone therapy will fix anything, and if so, what?